April 24, 2011 Easter Night.

Easter. I spent the last 2 days in bed, depressed. I have to quit sugar! I canceled plans to celebrate Easter, dreading candy candy candy and chaos! Now, after all the things I have given up over the past few years...Now Sugar.

And it makes me very bitter! I am starting to wonder if all the trouble I go to when I eat -- to keep from getting sick, and never feeling very well, is worth the effort. E 4 effort.

I am a shamed writer, because I call myself a writer, though I rarely write at all anymore, I feel more like a phony hypocrite. And worthless to boot. Because I felt it was my calling, and a gift, a talent, I have been given, and I have been wasting precious moments. And even now I feel like I should just stop because I feel so negative and am full of toxic complaints that are so childish, I hesitate to admit them to anyone for fear of ridicule.

Yes, why should I care? I have told myself I don't need others approval, yet, I invested a lot of time and energy in helping my "best Friend" with her huge life transitions lately. Happy to have her back in my life. When Friday, there came a last straw... she laughed at my fear, in bonding with someone else. I let my feelings hurt from that to the point of wanting to end the friendship. I think it must be unhealthy for me to be emotionally attached to anyone to the point of -ouch! - it hurts when they don't understand, or even try to understand my feelings.

There is more to this scenario, which is more than I care to recall now. I feel like telling myself, "I can't care" for her anymore. I must continue compassion and forgiveness for my own sake, and unconditional love, but I cannot allow her to drag me into her chaos and drama she creates in her own life. If she doesn't have it, she's bored! I don't need this!

I blame myself. I need to find other people to be my friends and build healthy relationships, if that is possible. At this particular point, which will surely pass, I feel like just giving up on everything. I'm tired. Good night! (I hope this sugar detox is over soon, I really don't have depression days much anymore. I know it won't last.)